WangDoodler

It’s been a while and I’ll admit my blogs are nothing spectacular, they’re alright to me! Anyways, the Crowne has been getting unbearable with regard to Patty’s exit and Joe’s, Marc’s, and ahhheim Steve’s entrance. You know what they say about too many chiefs?!?! This is precisely the problem! And Joe’s standoffishness and Marc’s superb ability to rudely command authority doesn’t mix well with my love of all things fair and kind, therefore….i’ve quit. Yes, I know you’d never guess that! Let me rephrase that, I’ve quit Banquets ultimately for good and never to return. However, I’ll be replacing Brett in room service. I’m greatfully for this opportunity however I’ll be one sad girl when he’s gone. We’ll leave that topic for later since I’m rather enjoying myself right now. But, I’m sure I’ll have more on that topic but enough about the Crowne…

Other than that it’s a cloudy and gloomy day and I love it. How great was it to wake up to a thunderstorm and all sorts of madness?!?! That’s the best thing ever! Anyways, I’m rocking out to a little Dave and trying to clean my room however, I have the worst ADD and it’s not helping me at all. Until next time….

I do believe this is one of my shortest entries, it’s relaxing to have little to write about these days….

“When you’re on a golden sea, you don’t need no memory, just a place to call your own…” (Weezer)

I started this post a while ago, can’t really remember what I felt the quote accomplished however, it is a good song so I have elected to keep it. Anyways, I was thinking today (as I do often) about camp and about how I both resented being away from destractions and loved it at the same time. Isn’t that how it always goes? Today especially brought about a lot of thinking because I was so bored for most of the day. I went through everyone on my phone and no one answered, the few that did were busy for the evening so I thought about either staying in myself or doing something alone. I got a bright idea to go to the movies, maybe it was all the popup ads I saw for “The Inside Man”, so that’s what I went to see. At first I wasn’t thrilled to be seeing a movie by myself, infact I never have before and then I was like, no I’m gonna do this! Plus I really wanted a coke like whoa so that was another reason. Movie theatres are great places for coke junkies like myself, heck I’ll drink any soda they sell, plus you get them in beyond what is necessary for a size…they call them “large(s)” I call them America’s Obesity epidemic, still I was craving! However my mom joined me for the film since I feel she gets a certain satisfaction from being around her only child that doesn’t have a police record and hasn’t had to deal with social services due to any of my extra curricular activities. I’ll leave that to my brothers, any hoo she met me inside the theatre and I knew it wouldn’t be her cup of tea, being a Spike Lee film it’s 100% guarentee that they’ll be every foul word atleast said a few 100 times. And just as I predicted with each word came my mother’s familiar disaproving head nod. I offered her a refund but she said she liked the film it just didn’t need all that language. Which I actually agree with her, it was slightly excessive. But anyways, it was a nice pseudo-independant experience. My mom just didn’t want me going to the movies by myself and she happened to be about 50 ft away at the Tops plus she likes me reassured that atleast one of her kids won’t be a ward of the state.

On to what I was originally saying…

Since today was a blah day in which I accomplished nothing short of emptying the bathroom garbage I spent a lot of time on the computer, particularly MySpace, a site in which I have a love/hate relationship. Combined I probabley spent no fewer than 4 hours on today, I could of been doing a bunch of other things however, I decided that changing my song and photo shopping a couple photos for my profile took precidence. Honestly I spend all this time going from profile to profile looking at what people like/dislike-most of which I certainly don’t agree with. You’ve got children putting “proud puffer of the weed” on their profiles, you’ve got 15 year old girls dressing like sluts and talking of things I didn’t understand until I was 20. In a way that makes me sad. Do these parents know what their children are saying and putting out there? Or do their parents dismiss it as a phase? This makes me sad for this “myspace” generation. The other day as I was showing my boyfriend around the Y, where I work out. We saw a bunch of girls not more than 12 years old checking their myspace accounts on the computers in the lounge area, why? When I was twelve I wasn’t into computers, granted the internet was just gaining popularity but what is so boring about a childs life that they have to attract a false audience online? On the other hand MySpace and other networking sites are a great way to keep intouch with your friends and meet people you havn’t talked to in a long time. In seconds you can send birthday greetings, valentines, or just dropping by to say hi notes. Who goes to hallmark these days? However is the act of sincerity lost forever? And why am I so bothered by this that I think about it all the time? I was actually angry with myself because of the amount of time I devote to things that don’t matter and the only time that I can think of where I hadn’t been so consumed by garbage thinking was camp last august. Lucas joked with me saying he couldn’t see me lasting a week without myspace and for the first couple of days I was like hmm I wonder how many messages I have now but that soon vanished along with every other complicated crap thought that pops into my head as a result of signing onto my account. I wouldn’t know what dumbass things my classmates have done, how many kids skanky girls I’ve graduated with have popped out, I wouldn’t be jealous of what great jobs people have landed, I wouldn’t care because I wouldn’t know about it! Honestly yes I do having a problem with worrying too much about things that don’t concern me and yes it has gotten me into trouble. I just wish sometimes that I could have the freedom from being “shielded” like I was when I was on vacation. I realize that’s as easy as deleting my account but like I said it’s a great way to keep intouch with people. And I know I could call them but who has time for that when it’s so much easier to type “hey, what’s up?” (send). I guess this is the new way to socialize and it’s definately here to stay atleast for a while until they come out with something better. I guess again I have to not care about things that don’t concern me. Or act positively on them and move on, for instance yes tammy probabley will be a bad mother because she’s so self oriented and immature but perhaps she’ll grow up but most likely not. See I should just say that to myself and move on and not think about how she’s such a piece of crap all the time, or Maryann, how she’s so fake and deeply disturbed that she has to put up these away messages about having the best friends ever, when infact she knows she hates those people and I got to hear about it all the time and yeah I’m still annoyed that I didn’t get my closure with our argument but so what?! A lot of things in life arn’t fair that’s simply one of them. It’s good to rant and do it in a positive manner, it’s not healthly to obcess and dwell on things like I have done and continue to do. What I think about isn’t important and it’s taking up my energy that I could be using to continue my education, or find a real job and 86 the Crowne. It’s complete crap and I need to kick it to the curb and almost develop a heartless attitude about somethings, Hey it works for Lucas…

I can honestly say I was disapointed last night when not one but both of my girls were booted….ehh Sasha atleast you go home with something.

I have a feeling we’ll be seeing both of you in the future!

I’m not really feeling up to blogging write now but it’s the only thing that eases my mind ever so slight besides talking. We don’t always have someone willing to lend their ear so this is the next best thing. Secondly I changed my presentation, I don’t know how long it will last, it almost feels wrong. However now I have my mp3 list cranking so on with the show!

Whom ever said don’t let those that don’t matter bother you or get in the way of living had it all wrong. It’s those things that shouldn’t matter that are constantly on your mind. For example what’s bothering me today?

-Enzo’s Relentless annoying nonstop pestering of “you’re going out tonight, i don’t care if you don’t have money.

-Maryann, duh! Could she be more immature? I don’t think so. But more than a fair share of these latest postings have been dedicated to her and she really doesn’t deserve it. She’s one “STD receptical” that I don’t need to be bothering with anymore. I forgot that was her nickname in highschool, kinda gross but true.

-Lack of job..

-$13.52 in my bank account….yeah

Ok for the most part that’s it, like I know if I wait it out I’ll get some more hours at the hotel. I just need to not spend any money like at all. Thus getting hours will allow me to have more money in my bank account. Enzo will always be annoying and refusing to take no for an answer, that’s just the way it has always been and always will be. And Maryann, I’ll get over her, she was nothing special. She more or less kept me around to feel good about her easily gained book smarts and “pseudo-skinniness”, which was also achieved via binging and purging, again, nothing I’m jealous of!

Here is where you can stop reading, I’m just going to randomly rant this is solely for my benefit. I’ve always been a fan of holding my tongue until I came to the Crowne Plaza, I don’t know why but I was encouraged almost to speak my mind there, I learned you can say what’s on your mind and it won’t be the end of the world. I still bite my tougue partially because there are some things that are better left off unsaid. But what I wanted to say is how mad I am at myself firstly for buying into the myspace and facebook crap, how much does the drama that’s associated with those sites bother me? A lot more than it should. I need to be putting that into schooling or atleast cut back. I want to keep my profiles because I like to see peoples profiles and it is a fun way to spend time that you don’t have anything better to do. I took them both up in the summer aka only had the crowne to worry about, no school, no nothing. So yeah I got used to being on those sites for longer than I should but now that I have school and job hunting to contend with I need to be focusing on things that matter, Tom won’t pay my bills for me so I need to stop with the homage. Plus it is a fantasy world so to speak. A world were you can have 4,000+ friends and people think you’re some sort of celebrity. Girls take almost pornographic pictures of themselves and watch the friend requests come rolling in, they don’t actually look like that, but in MySpace land they do. People think that makes them something special, when in fact online celebrity has nothing to do with it. Like I’m not gonna lie, it’s nice when people leave messages about my pictures, however I don’t let it go to my head, since I don’t think I’m anything but me, nothing too great/small. Plus I’m sick of the top 8 drama, way too much for anyone to handle! And facebook I just got to see what my fellow graduates were doing, mostly to feel better about myself, because a lot of them are unwed mothers, and potheads playing nintendo all day. Like I shouldn’t care what they are doing, what have these online networking sites done to me??? Ive almost become Maryann, basically she has to be “smarter”, “prettier”, and basically better off in everyway than those around her and she surround herself with people she views as beneath her. I’ve known this for a while and I continued to hang around her why? I know her short comings that she thinks only she sees stem from her parents but honestly who isn’t messed up in some way by their parents? She tries to use that as an excuse for everything. Yeah she’s dumber than her brothers, big deal! I’m healthier than my brothers because I don’t used drugs, what should I go on Oprah now? I’ve completely forgotten my big sha-bang ending for this one, but basically I’m gonna delete the Myspace now and the facebook, time to nix the problem, cuz that’s what you do right? Fix what’s bothering you, limiting your access to things that bother you will enable you to prioritize your life and thus forget about what’s bothering you. yeah, idk it sounded better in my head…

it’s been a little bit since i’ve blogged and I can’t sleep so I felt the need to.

I noticed there’s a couple new presentation formats on here which are cool looking but I just can’t seem to let go of “my look”. I tried a couple but it just didn’t feel right. anyways my last entry was about being nervious about started adt, well I quit 3 days afterward which I chalk all up to it just not being the right job for me.

I could of stayed there and waited till they told me that I didn’t have what it took or maybe I might of been able to hack it as an inbound phone tech. but I wouldn’t of been happy. And yes some people actually do like their jobs maybe only intially but it does happen for a brief moment.

I’m still not talking to maryann and it only bothers be because of the way she handled everything….scratch that, (didn’t) handle anything at all. I would copy and paste the email she sent but I don’t care to read it again, I did save it however. I think it would serve as a good point of reference when she comes back home in a couple of months and realizes she has no friends and might of been a bit of a jerk to me?! She’s come back before and I’ve usually started talking to her again however…this time it’s definately over.

In the morning when I get up, (yes I will be going back to bed after I call Luke in 45 mins to make sure he isn’t sleeping through his alarm) I will be continuing my endless job search. If I could have it my way I wouldn’t work but there’s this small matter of money and bills and not having any of the first to pay any of the second. I have roughly 675 worth of bills that come in like clockwork every single month. That might not seem like a lot but I’m also just me and not attached to a child or children. However that does seem to be the trend these days particularly in the spencerport graduating class of 2002. It would be nice to not have to worry so much about money all the time or work just to pay bills with little left over for savings or necessity but that’s just how it goes I guess? There really isn’t a lot out there unless you’re willing to work for 7/hour and a 20 hour per week starting off schedule. I tried that one before please revisit “Auschwitz Cabana” entry if you have any questions as to how that turned out. But I don’t want to be living off the credit cards because my income was a little over that 675/month that I needed to just pay BILLS therefore the groceries and anything else I needed was going to be paid by Uncle Visa and his lover Providian. Who works to pay bills and charges everything else?!?! Oh wait, a lot of people do that, it’s called American Life.

Todays my last day at the Animal Inn. This isn’t a bif event, I just have thirty minutes to kill and thought that I would blog away. So like I said, today is my last day here and it’s not a sad/happy event, it’s somewhat unhappy because I’ll miss Amy but, since the hours changed I don’t get to see her anyways. I’m sure we’ll keep up our text messaging conversations from time to time. And I know i’ll see stefanie/ “Bethany” because we’re just like that. As for everyone else that works here I won’t miss simply because in my almost six months working here, I’ve never met them. The employee meeting last month was the first time i’ve seen stephanie and chrystal. I’ve worked once with Heather plus she’s a bit of a chatty kathy at work and with what she’s said about stef—I won’t miss her. Plus leaving here brings feelings of raw nerve because I’m honestly scared to start at ADT. Especially with what Kristi has been telling me, I hope it works out! I really need these paychecks&benefits, plus a sound atmosphere with no drama and bullshit would be nice for a change. I’m not looking forward to working at the crowne tomorrow and since my kennel paycheck was so good, I’m debating calling patty and telling her I can’t work. I’m just done with the banquets bullshit. Last weekend when I worked it was alright but, this will be a huge event and I’m just not looking forward to setting up, and a bizillon temps, and the nazi. But it would be nice to see Brett and everyone else I miss from the hotel again. Plus I have this nagging good intent to follow through on what I’ve promised and I told patty I would be there, I’m cursed with an annoying good responsibilty factor, Oh well! Besides 3pm-2am isn’t THAT long. Of course I’m saying this now, this time tomorrow I’ll be an hour and a half into my shift and I’m sure my feelings won’t be the same as they are now. Especially if Tam decides to show up, ick…lets not go there, I don’t have 2 hours left in my shift to blog about that.

Now I’m off to Eastview mall with Enzo, god forbid he do something by himself for once. I really don’t want to go just like I didn’t want to go to Tilt last night. I feel like crap today but no one forced me to do what I did. My mood today matches the weather outside. Dark, cold, windy, and uncomfortible. Void of emotion I just want today to be over and I want not to go to the hotel tomorrow. I want to spend tomorrow preparing for sunday. And sunday preparing and de-nerving myself for work the following morning. Why do I do this to myself?

On the plus side today I’m a newbie official seller on Ebay. My Fiorucci purse sold. I was not expecting it to since it did not get any bids until the day before the auction was up. I wasn’t excited to see it go for $8.99 but…ehh. I also was having regret since Maryann got it for me for my birthday and it’s almost symbolism that our friendship is indefinately over but then again I’m probabley over analyzing this and I should stop so I think I’ll end this blog because Tango’s owner just showed up and I have ten minutes left in my final Kennel shift.

Starting tomorrow I will have -ten days and counting at “the worst job ever”. I will be printing out my 2 weeks notice after this posting and god it feels great! I don’t get how someone that names herself a “manager” could feel the need to treat people like shit as she does but, I’m done taking it. Yesterday I was very close to walking out, I understand that there are perks to owning your own business however shitting on your employees shouldn’t be one of those liberties. As Rams 2 best put it; “you’re not a slave, nor a 2 year old, …she is a manager and should NOT talk to her employee like that, thank god you will leave that place….” I could list the things she’s done and if it wasn’t for her, it wouldn’t be a bad job at all.

Tick Tick tock it’s a quarter after 9 and I now am free to use my cell phone as I wish. I don’t think I’ve ever had to ration my minutes, actually I can’t even do that, I have to not use them AT ALL! As of about 2 weeks ago I noticed I had been using a lot more of my minutes than ever. As of 2 seconds ago I have 11 minutes left until December 23. Yeah did I mention I havn’t used a ‘land line’ phone in about 3 years? So from the hours of 6am-9pm I am restricted to Verizon only members and if I would like you check my voicemails I have to do it via another phone. I pray non- “in” callers don’t leave me VM’s because that will take away what precious minutes I have and put me into the poor house at a ghastly $.45/minute over my 450 aloted minutes per month. I really can’t wait to see where they’ve all gone! I rarely talk to non-verizon members, it’s not that I segregate against t-mobile or sprint users there just arn’t very many of them left.

The very irony of this all was that; I was cursing the very convienence of having the world accessable to me all inside my $12 old navy bag. I couple of days later my minutes are vanishing faster than the mayo at a Jenny Creig convention. On a related topic after stating I would “stay off the computer for a week” the hard drive dies, perhaps I should start saying things like “I will try my damndest to gain as much weight as possible” then maybe I’ll wake up looking like Claire Forlani? Yeah I know I don’t think it works that way but maybe I’ll give it a try!

On the flip side I’ve been feeling rather lack luster lately, I bet I used “lack luster” wrong. Just pointing out my willingness to poke fun of self. Anyways, I just feel so helpless and have as of the beginnings of October. This is probabley to a few or all factors:

-I’ve been in school long enough to earn a bachelors and have nothing to show for it besides school loans and credits that arn’t good for anything, not even those crappy arcade prizes.

-I have debt coming out of my ears, nose, eyes, and where ever else it could be coming out of. (;

-I seem to be loosing touch with myself or perhaps yet another reinvented version is trying to break free?

-I don’t believe I deserve my boyfriend.

-I don’t think I deserve much of anything because I don’t try, ever!

-I rely too much on outside sources that arn’t stable, when I should be relying on myself and only myself.

~`-I WANT DIRECTIONS-TO MY FUTURE!!!!-`~

@}~ @}~ @}~

I have so many ideas that could solve my current “problems” but I’m more than certain they won’t do anything but give me a sense of novelty then shortly after will become familiar. That senario is what has become my life…

“familiarity breeds contempt” i’ve come to hate a majority of what I know

Freezing and driving home from E. Rochester at 6:30am instead of the usual 5am….I suddenly came from my driving trance that I frequently experience in the wee morning hours - all because of the radio, which I usually pay no mind to! The Dee Jay was talking to a gossip columnist, I could tell because of her tone and fake over interest in the topic, which I finally figured out was Jessica Simpson, apparently her and Nick actually did call it quits, which I’m not gonna lie, saddened me. I thought they were a cute couple, I’ve seen every episode of “Newlyweds” I even own seasons 2&3 on dvd. Which reminds me I still havn’t watched the last disc, maybe that will be an activity for tonight? I hope they get back together, I mean they did call it quits before, perhaps…hopefully for all of our (Jessica lovers) this isn’t set in stone. I never believed all that hullabaloo about them for all these months on the tabloids, they even addressed these issues on their show, their genuineness seemed real? idk I have been called gulible before! Anyways, I hope the two of them work it out.

On to Britney, someone whom I never really fully embraced as an entertainer. The ink on the divorce papers still not dry she is again…a divorcee. Not so great for her, fabulous for Kevin, think about who benefitted from that marriage more? We both know Kevin got his 15 minutes of fame, Britney lowered her standards, got a baby, and ruined her career! Or did she? She has just announced plans to be Christina Applegate’s replacement in “Sweet Charity”, Britney has done every major city, now I guess Broadway isn’t that big of a leap. Well hopefully she can regain herself in the eyes of her public. I don’t mind her, she’s a good business woman, I just somewhat feel bad for her child, hopefully she’s a better mother than we all think she is….

And to Christina, the pint sized version of Brit with a killer voice has tied the knot. Of all 3 pop singers, she seems the most genuine and you can tell she’s happy. I have all of her CD’s, seen her in concert, and can say I’ve never though bad of anything she’s done, wait….making out with Madonna on live TV- after the camera cut away…but other than that she’s golden!

P.S. Do you think these 3 planned this out? A little convienent if you ask me!

The previous two posts I had started to write but then saved and forgot about are hysterical upon reading them now. I hate both of my jobs, the kennel job slightly less and that hatred all accumulated today. Almost immediately after showing up early; (so Amy could have a shopping day with her mom) my boss came out and goes “did you know you were supposed to work thursday morning?” and I said “no! wait, I wasn’t scheduled, that’s not in my availibility.” Then she continues to tell me about how we’re all required to work on all major holidays and that my morning partner that I should of been sharing the kennel duties with wasn’t happy that she had to clean 47 dogs kennels by herself. I’ll take partial blame for this because I don’t look at the schedules that Pam puts in our mailboxes only because mine is the same exact thing every week fridays deskshift noon-5pm it’s been that way since the beginning of september. And why would I think that I might be scheduled anything different?!? My availibility is only for one day/week. So it’s my fault that I didn’t look at the schedule, however I didn’t schedule myself for a day that was outside my availibility AND I wasn’t aware we were all made to work on the holiday no questions asked! Oh well, I wanted to get rid of this job for how long? yeah I think that’s my sign to jump ship! And then with the coffee shop, you shouldn’t work for a friend regardless of how they say it will be, it never is! A lot of the things that go on I could over look but being accused of syphening off the cash register, please! how friggen insulting, if I was that desperate I wouldn’t be stealing spare change from the register at work, I’d follow the rest of America and accept the daily offers of loans and low interest credit cards. Recently my sister let me know that my credit union was hiring so the first chance around a computer I got, I downloaded an application and Erik helped me fix my resume, I hate Word and it’s inability to do what I want, or my ability to tell it what to do?!? Either way, it’s fixed and all I have to do is grab me an envelope and get to the Post Office. That would be great, I just need to start making some real money/not spending Visa’s!